Book 11, Paragraph 18

Here are ten ways to cope well when someone has harmed or offended me:

First, consider how they are related to me: as a neighbor, a colleague, a friend, a family member, a teacher or student, an employer or employee, a fellow citizen, or even merely as a fellow human being. Each of these kinds of relationships is valuable and worth preserving. So let my response to the supposed harm or offense be such that I don't participate in acutely or permanently damaging that relationship. Also, in every one of these relationships, I have a responsibility over, or duty toward the other; so let my response be in keeping with that particular responsibility or duty.

Second, consider the offender's action against me in relation to their overall way of life: how they eat, keep house, have sex, treat others, etc. There may be patterns there that indicate either an inborn character or a deep-seated habit it would be difficult, if not impossible for them to act against. The same may be true of their patterns of thinking, which not only put pressure on them to act in certain ways, but make them self-assured about those actions.

Third: Is it possible that what they did was actually, in some way, right or justified? If so, or to whatever extent that be so, resentment against them is not justified. Otherwise, is it possible that they had no intention of harming or offending me and didn't realize how their action would do so? If not that either, then consider that at least they likely believed their action was right. Wouldn't they resent being accused of selfishness, cruelty, or unfairness in their action? Take comfort in remembering that, for all the suffering in the world, most people don't willingly treat others unfairly.

Fourth, remember that I myself have plenty of faults and sometimes (often?) behave badly, and in that way I am no different from them. Even if I avoid certain bad actions that doesn't mean I'm not often inclined toward them; and often my true motive in avoiding them is only that others will think well of me, or something equally shallow.

Fifth, can I really be sure that what they did was wrong or that I am worse off for it? It's ridiculously difficult to foresee the long-term consequences of our own, carefully-planned actions, let alone the consequences of the actions of others, whose thinking we can hardly discern. Is it possible that, in the final analysis, I will be better off, or at least no worse off because of their action? Could any good come of it? (Might it at least teach me important lessons about myself?)

Sixth, remember that life is short, and within less than, say, fifty years, the person who hurt me and I will both be corpses. What will any of this matter then? What good will my indignation do me then? Similarly, in the grand scheme of even my own little life, how badly have I been hurt? Isn't the rest of my life so fortunate and meaningful as to make this new hurt pretty insignificant?

Seventh, how much of my suffering is due to a physical, financial, social, or other practical harm they have caused me, and how much of it is only the offense I have taken to their action? Am I really harmed by their action or only by my reaction to it? If the latter, or even if both to an extent, I would be better off dropping that kind of reaction. Don't think of their behavior as outrageous and you won't be outraged. But how? By remembering that the only kind of harm that really matters is moral or spiritual harm, which is impossible for anyone else to do to you. Spiritual harm is something we can only do to ourselves. If I can say that that their action has left me morally and spiritually in tact, I can say that they haven't really harmed me at all. A good thing, too, because if people could actually give each other moral or spiritual wounds, think of what moral mayhem I would be guilty of!

Eighth, if I pay attention to my own anger, resentment, embarrassment, wounded pride, sense of betrayal, hatred, and other such reactions to their behavior, I realize, first, that these are forms of suffering, and second, that I bring them on myself. It may be that their behavior is, in some objective sense, unjust, cruel, a betrayal of a relationship, or in other ways blameworthy, and if so, I will know how to establish healthy boundaries, to minimize the practical harm to me and, more importantly, to preserve my dignity in not participating in my own abuse. But I can do that, and in fact do it better, without also watering the seeds of anger, resentment, and etc. in me. Without being watered by me, those seeds cannot sprout and grow into vigorous plants. If I pay attention, I can recognize the sweet relief as those plants diminish and devolve back into dormant seeds.

Ninth, consider that kindness, decency, and the kind of love I owe to everyone related to me in any way, if they are real, should not be diminished, even by a harmful or offensive action by another. Do I only believe in being kind to others who are kind to me? The alternative is to choose to be kind even to those who harm or offend me. And it is, after all, a choice. And the choice is not to turn kindness on like a switch, but to practice watering the seeds of lovingkindness (metta) in myself regularly. Also, in most cases, genuine, persistent kindness is irresistible. Even the most ornery, offensive characters are eventually won over by it. With that in mind, if there is ever an opportunity for me to admonish my opponent, I hope to have enough lovingkindness in me to do so gently and in a way that preserves their integrity as well as my own.

Tenth, if I have been harmed by a person who is genuinely bad or even evil, in a general or a specific way, and whether due to genetics or deep-seated habit or some combination, it is good to remember, first, that there are such people in the world, and I should not expect to get through life without confronting them. That kind of misfortune is part of a human life, no matter how carefully and philosophically lived. Indeed, it would be just as foolish to think that kind of misfortune could never happen to me, as it would to think that a genuinely bad person will not do genuinely bad things. Finally, regarding genuinely bad people, I should ask myself: did I look the other way when this person harmed others? If so, I'm not only complicit in that harm, but partly to blame for the harm they later did to me.

Book 2, Paragraph 2

Whatever it is, this being of mine is made of flesh, breath and mind.

We know that everything about the flesh -- 

this marvelous network of nerves, veins, bone and muscle -- 

is impermanent: its joys and sufferings, its strengths and weaknesses, 

its skills and ineptitudes. 

Likewise the breath is now shallow, now deep, now steady, now troubled.

And air, like food and drink, moving in and out of the body, 

secures us to the entire, glorious, ever-changing world.

Likewise the mind runs here and there, chasing this and that,

hankering after books, conversation, entertainments, enthrallment; 

disquiet with regret for the past and suspicion for the future.

Seeing this, I lighten up about my own inconstancy, 

my tendency to be moved by appetites and ideas,

by indignations righteous and otherwise,

jerking on the strings of impulse and aspiration.

At the same time, I remember gladly that this thrice inconstant being of mine 

can also stop, rest, find stillness and deep peace. 

Body, breath and mind: any can become anchor to the others.

The contentment and clarity of these moments grows sweeter as I grow older.

Book 2, Paragraph 1

I will say to myself first thing in the morning:

Today I will likely meet people who are meddling, ungrateful,

aggressive, treacherous, malicious, unsocial.

But then consider that these are all forms of suffering, 

afflictions that arise in consequence of ignorance.

Let me take care of myself, then, and remember that 

what is truly good for me is just my own right action.

And let me remember that the one who offends me is, after all, a human like me,

a brother or sister, really, if not by blood then by our common humanity: 

our vulnerable bodies, our restless but inquiring minds, our need for dignity.

Consider that another person's ill will, even directed at me,

may cause me difficulty or harm, but cannot make me suffer 

that same smallness of heart unless I shrink my own heart in return; 

unless I let their aggression infect me with aggression of my own.

Therefore, let me not react to mistreatment with hate or anger, or even resentment.

Let me keep my own heart soft and 

find ways to bring the offender and myself back into dialogue and cooperation, 

like two feet walking, like two hands making bread, 

like the upper and lower teeth chewing and enjoying the bread.

Book One, Paragraph 16

Also,

To be my own master in all things, able to take charge of my 

own affairs and to be serene with it;

To be a good steward of my resources, and those of my family, workplace, etc.;

To remember not to be satisfied with first impressions or 
to leave a question prematurely;

To be focused and persistent in meetings;

An immovable adherence to decisions made after full consideration;

To have foresight for the longer issues, along with unfussy attention to details;

Never to be harsh or impetuous or in a panic, but to give everything that 

matters its own time and attention, as by a person of leisure: to be 

unhurried, organized, vigorous and consistent in all.

A sober steadfastness in all things; stamina and perseverance; an indomitable spirit;

To act with an eye for what needs to be done, not the glory of its doing;

No vain taste for so-called honors, and not to be obsequious or want to be popular;

To be beyond flattery and reward impartially, giving everyone their due;

Readiness to defer ungrudgingly to those with some special 
knowledge, insight or ability;

To support others in making the most of their own talents;

Not to think friends and family are neglecting me when they 
need to be somewhere else;

A ready ear for anyone with any proposal for the common good;

To practice common courtesy and avoid vulgarity;

To enjoy the comforts of life without pride or apology either, and without 

expecting them always or regretting their absence; 

To regulate abstinence and enjoyment like Socrates;

Knowing where to tighten and where to relax;

Not to be too particular about food or clothing;

To take sensible care of my body, being neither vain nor neglectful, 

in order to avoid unnecessary illness;

To steer my natural sexuality into meaningful experience;

Giving tradition its due but not following it blindly;

No superstitious fear of gods or anything supernatural;

Not to keep too many secrets about myself;

To be the kind of person that no one would describe as an imposter, 

but rather as a man of mellow wisdom and mature experience;

All of this notwithstanding, to avoid perfectionism, dogmatism, 

pedantry and being doctrinaire.

Book One, Paragraphs 11-15

Also,

To avoid suspicion, caprice and hypocrisy, especially in positions of power or leadership;

That for the most part, the wealthy are somewhat short of human affection;

Rarely, and only when absolutely necessary, to tell someone who asks for help 

that I am too busy or don't have the means to do so;

Not to ignore, and certainly not to resent a friend's criticism, 

even if it seems off-base, but to consider that there may be 

some truth in it and do my best to regain his trust;

To speak of anyone who was a teacher to me with wholehearted gratitude;

Love of family and friends, love of truth, love of justice, love of beauty;

To hold the ideal of families, schools, workplaces, towns and states 

based on equality, shared power and freedom of conscience;

To be dedicated in the study of philosophy;

To be on the lookout for opportunities to help someone or do good;

Unstinting generosity with my resources, time and effort;

To stay hopeful and lean on the affection of my friends;

To be direct but calm when I need to criticize someone;

Never to aim for others to admire me;

Not to pretend to like or dislike something, or to laugh 

insincerely, just to please someone else;

To practice mindful speech: to always mean what I say;

Self-mastery: to learn to be immune to passing whims by recognizing them and 

pausing to observe them rise and fall rather than follow them impulsively;

To talk and to eat slowly, calmly, mindfully;

In nothing either to be hurried or hesitant, too eager or procrastinating;

An uncomplaining energy for what needs to be done;

To stay cheerful in all circumstances, including illness;

To be gentle but dignified;

Not to panic when the unexpected happens (as it inevitably will!);

To do my best not to be morose, resentful or envious;

A forgiving, truthful and trusting nature;

To do the right thing for its own sake, as a way of showing honor to myself and my fellow creatures, and not for the sake of rewards or punishments (especially supernatural);

Never to consider myself inferior or superior to others;

A good sense of humor.

Book One, Paragraphs 1-10

From parents, relatives, teachers and friends I have seen what makes a life worth living: 

Decency and a mild temper;

Integrity and manliness; 

Generosity;

The avoidance of wrongdoing;

Simplicity of living;

To invest in education;

To tolerate pain and to feel few needs;

To work with my own hands and mind my own business;

To be deaf to malicious gossip;

To avoid empty enthusiasms;

To disbelieve all that is talked by miracle mongers and quacks;

To be curious about the opinions of those who think differently;

To have an affinity for philosophy;

To grasp that I need correction and treatment for my character;

To avoid speechifying and pretentious language;

To be readily recalled to conciliation with those who have taken or given offense;

To read carefully, not satisfied with my own views or
too quick to accept the views of others;

Steadiness of purpose;

To have no other perspective, even for a moment, than that of "reason" alone;

To be always the same man, unchanged in sudden misfortune;

To live life according to nature, "with the grain";

A balance of intensity and relaxation;

Unaffected dignity;

Intuitive concern for one's friends;

Tolerance of people of all kinds, but the self-possession to speak up when needed;

To pursue the discovery and organization of the essential
principles of life (philosophy);

To combine complete freedom from inordinate emotions
with the greatest human affection;

To praise without fanfare;

To wear great learning lightly;

Not to leap on another's mistakes without good cause;

Never to think that a person's vocabulary, grammar, tone of voice or vulgar or
uneducated style of expression matters more than what they are saying.