Here are ten ways to cope well when someone has harmed or offended me:
First, consider how they are related to me: as a neighbor, a colleague, a friend, a family member, a teacher or student, an employer or employee, a fellow citizen, or even merely as a fellow human being. Each of these kinds of relationships is valuable and worth preserving. So let my response to the supposed harm or offense be such that I don't participate in acutely or permanently damaging that relationship. Also, in every one of these relationships, I have a responsibility over, or duty toward the other; so let my response be in keeping with that particular responsibility or duty.
Second, consider the offender's action against me in relation to their overall way of life: how they eat, keep house, have sex, treat others, etc. There may be patterns there that indicate either an inborn character or a deep-seated habit it would be difficult, if not impossible for them to act against. The same may be true of their patterns of thinking, which not only put pressure on them to act in certain ways, but make them self-assured about those actions.
Third: Is it possible that what they did was actually, in some way, right or justified? If so, or to whatever extent that be so, resentment against them is not justified. Otherwise, is it possible that they had no intention of harming or offending me and didn't realize how their action would do so? If not that either, then consider that at least they likely believed their action was right. Wouldn't they resent being accused of selfishness, cruelty, or unfairness in their action? Take comfort in remembering that, for all the suffering in the world, most people don't willingly treat others unfairly.
Fourth, remember that I myself have plenty of faults and sometimes (often?) behave badly, and in that way I am no different from them. Even if I avoid certain bad actions that doesn't mean I'm not often inclined toward them; and often my true motive in avoiding them is only that others will think well of me, or something equally shallow.
Fifth, can I really be sure that what they did was wrong or that I am worse off for it? It's ridiculously difficult to foresee the long-term consequences of our own, carefully-planned actions, let alone the consequences of the actions of others, whose thinking we can hardly discern. Is it possible that, in the final analysis, I will be better off, or at least no worse off because of their action? Could any good come of it? (Might it at least teach me important lessons about myself?)
Sixth, remember that life is short, and within less than, say, fifty years, the person who hurt me and I will both be corpses. What will any of this matter then? What good will my indignation do me then? Similarly, in the grand scheme of even my own little life, how badly have I been hurt? Isn't the rest of my life so fortunate and meaningful as to make this new hurt pretty insignificant?
Seventh, how much of my suffering is due to a physical, financial, social, or other practical harm they have caused me, and how much of it is only the offense I have taken to their action? Am I really harmed by their action or only by my reaction to it? If the latter, or even if both to an extent, I would be better off dropping that kind of reaction. Don't think of their behavior as outrageous and you won't be outraged. But how? By remembering that the only kind of harm that really matters is moral or spiritual harm, which is impossible for anyone else to do to you. Spiritual harm is something we can only do to ourselves. If I can say that that their action has left me morally and spiritually in tact, I can say that they haven't really harmed me at all. A good thing, too, because if people could actually give each other moral or spiritual wounds, think of what moral mayhem I would be guilty of!
Eighth, if I pay attention to my own anger, resentment, embarrassment, wounded pride, sense of betrayal, hatred, and other such reactions to their behavior, I realize, first, that these are forms of suffering, and second, that I bring them on myself. It may be that their behavior is, in some objective sense, unjust, cruel, a betrayal of a relationship, or in other ways blameworthy, and if so, I will know how to establish healthy boundaries, to minimize the practical harm to me and, more importantly, to preserve my dignity in not participating in my own abuse. But I can do that, and in fact do it better, without also watering the seeds of anger, resentment, and etc. in me. Without being watered by me, those seeds cannot sprout and grow into vigorous plants. If I pay attention, I can recognize the sweet relief as those plants diminish and devolve back into dormant seeds.
Ninth, consider that kindness, decency, and the kind of love I owe to everyone related to me in any way, if they are real, should not be diminished, even by a harmful or offensive action by another. Do I only believe in being kind to others who are kind to me? The alternative is to choose to be kind even to those who harm or offend me. And it is, after all, a choice. And the choice is not to turn kindness on like a switch, but to practice watering the seeds of lovingkindness (metta) in myself regularly. Also, in most cases, genuine, persistent kindness is irresistible. Even the most ornery, offensive characters are eventually won over by it. With that in mind, if there is ever an opportunity for me to admonish my opponent, I hope to have enough lovingkindness in me to do so gently and in a way that preserves their integrity as well as my own.
Tenth, if I have been harmed by a person who is genuinely bad or even evil, in a general or a specific way, and whether due to genetics or deep-seated habit or some combination, it is good to remember, first, that there are such people in the world, and I should not expect to get through life without confronting them. That kind of misfortune is part of a human life, no matter how carefully and philosophically lived. Indeed, it would be just as foolish to think that kind of misfortune could never happen to me, as it would to think that a genuinely bad person will not do genuinely bad things. Finally, regarding genuinely bad people, I should ask myself: did I look the other way when this person harmed others? If so, I'm not only complicit in that harm, but partly to blame for the harm they later did to me.
